Brew UK Forum | Forum Suggestions
Beer related jokes...
How about it? May need to have an 18 cert .. especially the one I'm thinking of :o)
Beer will get you through the times of no money better than money will get you through the times of no beer
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Responses
Posted 2 years ago by Admin
Good idea but I think I'll have to look into the legals if they are a bit on the blue side as the forum doesn't have any warnings about being over 18 to view, which I'm pretty sure it would need for that kind of stuff.
Posted 2 years ago by Member
:o)
It would for my jokes :o)
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 2 years ago by Moderator
Heres my oooooooh dear clean joke!
What not to say to the Traffic Cop:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Posted 2 years ago by Admin
Now that one's so crap its actually quite funny. I have had a couple of beers which may help.
Posted 2 years ago by Member
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
Posted 2 years ago by Admin
I like Homer Simpsons statement - "Alcohol - the cause and solution to all of life's problems"
Posted 2 years ago by Member
Hmmm ... actually (and this must have something to do with all those Abbots I downed last night (there's a joke in there too somewhere).. my joke is actually about cider.
Now desperately trying to think about a clean one!
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 2 years ago by Member
Preist and a Rabbi..................
need I go on!!!!!.......a classic!
Posted 2 years ago by Member
Bessie Braddock: "Sir, you are drunk"
Winston Churchill: "Madam, you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober"
Posted 2 years ago by Moderator
Man walks into a pub with a girrafe and orders 2 double whiskys, neat. They both down em fast and take turns to buy each other round after round.
15 rounds later the man decides he wants to go home and staggers off. The girrafe follows but falls off the chair, stoopers into a table and falls over in the middle of the pub, completely passed out. The man looks at the girrafe, laughs and staggers away.
The bartender shouts to the man "Oi, you cant leave that lying there"
Man relpys "It's a girrafe!"
Better if you say it not write it..... Nah better if you dont say or write it!
Plannin'-
Loads a beer after an upgrade!
nathbrew@gmail.com
Posted 2 years ago by Member
Signs that you may have a problem...
• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the chair to keep from falling off the earth.
• Career won't progress beyond Leader of the Conservative Party
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
And ... when this seems to be the way you feel in the morning...
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen. Rancid beer vapor is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 2 years ago by Member
It's been a long time since I had a hang over like that Tony.
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
That reminds me of one eye texting the morning after to ask my friend what happened last night.
That's if he hadn't already texted me to ask what happened.
Posted 2 years ago by Member
That seems to get worse as I get older - I can drink less and remember less!
:o)
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 2 years ago by Member
nath... I've just got your joke! I must admit I'd had a few when I read it (and re-read several times) yesterday and it just wasn't getting through!
Not bad!
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 2 years ago by Member
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
Posted 2 years ago by Admin
Was that from a cracker by any chance?
Posted 2 years ago by Member
Do you think he was just using that as an excuse?
I know I have a few times
:o)
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 2 years ago by Member
What?
Walk into a lady with big boobs and say:
"Sorry I'm dyslexic"
I don't think that's gonna wash Tony.
Posted 2 years ago by Moderator
Lol. Nice!
Plannin'-
Loads a beer after an upgrade!
nathbrew@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Member
I'm allowed to tell dyslexic jokes, cos I AM!
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.
The dyslexic devil worshipper....?
Sold his soul to Santa.
Dyslexic fetishist?
Went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
They're not beer jokes but I can remember one about a drunk genie and a very tiny man playing a piano.... ;o)
Posted 1 year ago by Member
This guy walks into a bar and tells the barman to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the barman starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.
The barman says, "Hey mate what's your hurry?"
The man says, "If you had what I have you would do the same thing."
The barman backs up and says, "What do you have?"
The man says, "About a quid!"
Fermenting:
Condtioning:
Drinking: Twibute Clone, PJ Clone
Posted 1 year ago by Member
Okay, so if we're allowed dyslexic jokes then I'll chance a mildly religious (but non beer-related) one. It can be modified to suit the audience. I'm in a mixed-religion marriage (not such a big thing in N.Ireland anymore, but used to be) so I can get away with this one:-
Q: Why was E.T. a Protestant?
A: Because he looked like one.
Sorry, but that one still cracks me up.
Fermenting: Marston's Pedigree
Conditioning (Bottles): Warsteiner Lager Clone
Drinking (King Keg): Fullers London Pride
Posted 1 year ago by Member
Did you know Monica Lewinsky was dyslexic? President Clinton left her a note saying "Hold my calls and sack the cook." b'dum - *TISSSHHH*
Posted 1 year ago by Member
I'm on a beer diet, I've lost three days already.
Posted 1 year ago by Member
Man walks into a bar and his knee start twitching all over the place. What a crazy joint!
Fermenting:
Condtioning:
Drinking: Twibute Clone, PJ Clone
Posted 1 year ago by Admin
Horse walks into a bar.
Barman says why the long face......
Sorry, I'm bad at remembering good jokes..
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
A man walks into a bar.
Owwww
Plannin'-
Loads a beer after an upgrade!
nathbrew@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Member
A woodworm walks into a pub and goes,"Is the bartender in here?"
Posted 1 year ago by Member
I read this last night after I'd had a few and couldn't work it out - so I've come back this morning and I still can't get it.
Admittedly last night I was steaming and this morning I'm a little worse for wear...
Would someone do me the favor of explaining it - I know it's going to be blindingly obvious!
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 1 year ago by Admin
Me too Tony... and I don't get the joke either
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
I cant believe you lot dont get it....its hil-hariy-ous.
Oh no, I dont get it either. Its like this one:-
A man walks into a stereo shop and says to the salesman- "do you have any 8 tracks?"
The salesman replies - "no, sorry sir"
The man says - "that's ok I have a pasty in my bag."
Weird, must be a Cornish thing
Plannin'-
Loads a beer after an upgrade!
nathbrew@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Admin
Rodders Help put us out of our misery!!!
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
I don't get it either, just thought I would wait a bit until someone else admited it.
Fermenting: Marynka pseudo-lager
Maturing/Conditioning:
Drinking: Wheat beer, ESB, Vienna lager & shop bought stuff
Posted 1 year ago by Member
ok people...The woodworm asks if the bar is tender because he wants to eat it.
Another one...An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man walks into a pub. The landlord says,"Is this some sort of joke?"
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
Ba-dum-tish!
Nice
Plannin'-
Loads a beer after an upgrade!
nathbrew@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Member
heh heh .... christ - it's obvious! That's outstanding - can't believe I didn't get it!
Nath - there's a Devon version of your joke: Man walks into a bakers and asks for a loaf of bread. 'Brown or white?' the baker asks. 'It's ok' says the bloke, 'I've got my bike outside'.
Like that new joke Rodders.. hears a similar one yesterday...
Yesterday I had to change a lightbulb, cross the road and walk into a pub. I feel my life's a bit of a joke
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 1 year ago by Member
Paddy and Mick were at the bar.
Paddy says,"Since the doctor put me on steroids, I have started to grow an extra willy!"
Mick says,"Anabolic?"
"No",says Paddy,"Just a willy."
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
ahhhh man thats funny! Nice one
Plannin'-
Loads a beer after an upgrade!
nathbrew@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Member
About to watch the world cup on Dave.
I have to say, the West Germans are looking strong.
Fermenting - Coopers Canadian Blonde
Conditioning - Coopers Pilsner, Coopers English Bitter
Drinking - None
Posted 1 year ago by Member
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Fermenting:
Condtioning:
Drinking: Twibute Clone, PJ Clone
Posted 1 year ago by Member
An egg and a chicken are in the lounge-bar. Landlord walks from the public bar and asks,"Right who was first?"
(Please tell me that this one doesn't need explaining also...)
Posted 1 year ago by Admin
Posted 1 year ago by Member
Okay, it's been a while since this topic was last posted to and, since I'm waiting for stuff to either ferment or condition and have nothing brew-related to say, I thought I'd share a joke I heard before Christmas:-
Pete and Bob are out on a night's drinking.
Pete ends up getting so drunk he throws up over his shirt and immediately starts worrying about what his wife will do when he gets home and she sees the state of him.
'I've an idea', says Bob. 'Put a tenner in the breast pocket of your coat. When your wife sees your shirt, tell her some random drunk bloke in the pub threw up on you and, by way of an apology, popped the tenner in your jacket pocket to pay for the cleaning.'
'Excellent idea', says Pete. 'That's what I'll do.'
So Pete gets home and his wife, who's still up, naturally freaks out when she sees his shirt all covered in puke.
'Hang on', says Pete, 'It's not my fault. If you look in my jacket pocket you'll find a tenner. Some really drunk bloke staggered past me and just at the wrong moment threw up over me. He could see I was pretty annoyed so he apologised and popped that tenner into my jacket to pay for the cleaning.'
His wife, still unconvinced, reaches into Pete's pocket. 'Hang on', she says, 'Why are there TWO tenners in here?'
'Oh, he sh*t me pants as well'.
- Barry
Fermenting: Marston's Pedigree
Conditioning (Bottles): Warsteiner Lager Clone
Drinking (King Keg): Fullers London Pride
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
Take a deep breath.
A duck walks into a pub, sits at the bar and says to the landlord, "I'll have a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich, please."
Lanlord stares at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"So what," says the duck
Lanlord serves him and he drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This goes on all week and the landlord gets chatting to the duck and finds out he works as a plasterer on the building site over the road. One day, the circus comes to town and the Ringmaster walks into the pub.
"I've got just the thing for you," the landlord says and tells the Ringmaster all about the duck.
"Great!", says the ringmaster. "When he comes in again, tell him to come and see me."
Next time the duck comes in the landlord tells him all about the ringmaster wanting to see him.
"The Cicus?" the duck asks
"Yes," replies the landlord.
"Where all the animals live in cages and the people live in caravans?" asks the duck.
"Yes"
"And they have a great big canvas tent where they put on the shows?" asks the duck.
"Yes."
Duck shrugs his houlders, "Well.... OK, I'll ring him," he looks very, very puzzled. "Tell me," he says to the landlord. "What do they want with a plasterer?"
Planning: - To get some more brews on now the weather's a bit cooler
Fermenting: - Ginger Beer experiment
Conditioning: - A normal bitter with Styrians
Drinking: - All of it!!
E-mail: arnyfris@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Member
A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, the man insists. Finally, the priest says, "how can you prove it?" The man, says "come with me." They go inside the bar. The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, not you again."
Fermenting:
Condtioning:
Drinking: Twibute Clone, PJ Clone
Posted 1 year ago by Member
A man walks into a classy bar. This bar has a dress code, and the maitre d' demands he wear a tie. Discouraged, the guy goes to his car to sulk when inspiration strikes: He's got jumper cables in the trunk! So he wraps them around his neck, sort of like a string tie and returns to the bar....The maitre d' is reluctant, but says to the guy; "Okay, you can come in... but just don't start anything!"
Fermenting:
Condtioning:
Drinking: Twibute Clone, PJ Clone
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
Two women on their way back from a night out stop in a local graveyard for a pi$$. One wipes herself with her kniockers while the other one used a wreath of flowers left near by.
Their husbands were talking in the pub the next day when one of them pipes up and says, "I'd better watch my wife, last night she came home with no knickers on."
The other man says "F**k that mine had card wegded in her ar$e saying - we'll never forget you, from all the boys at the Firestation....."
Plannin'-
Loads a beer after an upgrade!
nathbrew@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Member
Classic!
I have tears in my eyes!
Fermenting:
Condtioning:
Drinking: Twibute Clone, PJ Clone
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
Drunk staggers down the road into a pub through the lounge bar entrance, falls over, drags himself to the bar.
"Gimme a beer!" he says to the landlord.
"Get out! You're drunk!" landlord replies.
Drunk staggers out, falls over, crawls along the pavement, round the corner and into the public bar entrance.
"Gimme a beer!"
"Get out! You're drunk!"
Drunk staggers out, falls over, crawls along, stands and falls into an alley. There's a door and he falls in, this time the snug entrance.
"Gimme a beer!"
"Get out! You're drunk!"
Drunk stares hard at the landlord and shouts,
"Do you own all the pubs in this town!!"
Planning: - To get some more brews on now the weather's a bit cooler
Fermenting: - Ginger Beer experiment
Conditioning: - A normal bitter with Styrians
Drinking: - All of it!!
E-mail: arnyfris@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
That last one could be sooooo true!
Plannin'-
Loads a beer after an upgrade!
nathbrew@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Member
Brilliant - love em. Me and the missus had tears in our eyes reading the graveyard pi$$ one!
OK - apologies that this is not beer related but it is (vaguely) yeasty..
Sat at home last night and the doorbell rings. I get up and answer it and there's two women standing there. One of them asks me what bread I eat. When I say 'white' she proceeds to lecture me about the benefits of eating brown bread.
Guess they must have been Hovis Witnesses.
(with grateful thanks to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers and slightly adapted)
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
How many home brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We're all stumbling around in the dark!
Planning: - To get some more brews on now the weather's a bit cooler
Fermenting: - Ginger Beer experiment
Conditioning: - A normal bitter with Styrians
Drinking: - All of it!!
E-mail: arnyfris@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Moderator
Man sits at the bar, drinking his beer, and his dog lays on the floor beside him. The dog raises his leg and starts to lick those areas that only dogs seem to be able to reach.
"Wow," says another man at the bar. "I wish I could do that."
The dog's owner looks at the dog, sniffs and turns to the other man.
"If you give him a biscuit.... he'll let you."
Planning: - To get some more brews on now the weather's a bit cooler
Fermenting: - Ginger Beer experiment
Conditioning: - A normal bitter with Styrians
Drinking: - All of it!!
E-mail: arnyfris@gmail.com
Posted 1 year ago by Member
that's a joke,the price they charge in the pub.
Posted 1 year ago by Member
Took the over half out for a treat to the pub last night.
After a couple of pints I said "I love you"
"Is that you or the beer talking?" She asked.
"Its me talking,...to the beer!" I replied.
Posted 1 year ago by Member
So the Barman says 'Sorry, we don't serve time travellers'.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
-Barry
Fermenting: Marston's Pedigree
Conditioning (Bottles): Warsteiner Lager Clone
Drinking (King Keg): Fullers London Pride
Posted 12 months ago by Member
Ryan Giggs and Imogen Thomas walk into a bar. Due to legal reasons, I can't say what happens next.
Posted 12 months ago by Member
A horse walks into a bar. No really a horse walks into a bar:
A horse walks into a bar
Fermenting:
Condtioning:
Drinking: Twibute Clone, PJ Clone
Posted 10 months ago by Member
What did the grape say when it was stood on?
Nothing...It just gave a little whine.
Whine=Wine
Oh well maybe its best if this topic got buried again.
Posted 10 months ago by Member
The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.
The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.
Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.
Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.
Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.
Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.
The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.
When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"
To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Fermenting:
Condtioning:
Drinking: Twibute Clone, PJ Clone
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